It's That Bittersweet Time Of Year

In what seems like a lifetime ago, I was married to someone else. He is a good man, but there are sometimes people in your life who bring out the worst in you--we were that person for each other. After about nine months of marriage, we separated (my fault, I'll admit to it. I couldn't let go of the past) and were apart for a few months. After I realized that the past should stay there and a couple of families were almost ruined, my ex-husband and I got back together. I knew that I hadn't done everything I could to save us (like I said, my fault) and we got back together to try and not be another statistic. After just a few weeks of being together again, I got pregnant (whoops!). We were both still unhappy in the marriage although we wouldn't admit it to anyone, including each other. Selfishly, I saw that baby as someone who would always love me even if my husband didn't. That's a horrific thought pattern, but that thinking pulled me out of depression and saved my life. 

I had a pretty rocky pregnancy from the start with horrible morning sickness that left me sitting in front of a high-powered fan praying "Please Jesus, don't let me throw up!" I don't throw up. I hadn't thrown up since I was younger and the prospect every morning was terrifying. I had terrible cramping where it hurt so bad I had to fold in half until the pain subsided. When I googled symptoms, it said cramping was normal so I just thought it was normal. At 8 weeks my then-husband and I went into the doctor where she gave us all of these books and talked about what to expect. She had some time before the next appointment so she went ahead and did an ultrasound. From the moment she had it up on the screen, I knew something was wrong. She stopped chatting and smiling like she had been minutes before. I could feel my heart leap into my throat as I fought back tears. I had a blighted ovum which means I had a sac that was growing, but the baby had stopped developing. Usually the sac is crumpled looking or misshapened and mine was perfect. The doctor thought that maybe we were off on our weeks so she scheduled me for another ultrasound the following week and I had to go in for blood tests every three days to check my HcG levels. My levels were rising normally and the sac still looked normal at my next ultrasound so the doctor was hopeful that we were still off in weeks although I think we all knew that couldn't be true. My then-husband quit going to my appointments after that. The process still continued with weekly ultrasounds and blood tests every three days. The last appointment she started discussing D&C's and other medications that would help the miscarriage process along. I couldn't bear to do any of that in case were all wrong so I waited. The pregnancy symptoms grew worse with heartburn and fatigue. I don't know if there is a worse feeling than your body telling you you're pregnant in every way and your head and heart knowing better. I started miscarrying just after 12 weeks. I was at the movie theater watching G.I. Joe. It's funny how I can remember those details. The miscarriage itself brought on other problems. I had lost too much blood and was so weak that my then-husband had to carry me around. It was a weekend so I felt guilty calling my doctor. The next week when I was still in severe pain that should already have gone away, my doctor yelled at me for not going to the ER and said I had been lucky. The nurse that scheduled that appointment told me on the phone that what I was describing people had died from. That baby was due on March 1st, 2010. 

Obviously my first marriage didn't survive and I knew I had done everything I could to try and save it, but sometimes we make mistakes and we really just shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. I grew up in a super religious extended family and divorce is a big no-no and I'm not condoning divorce, but sometimes you have to realize that life is too short to be that unhappy. You may be wondering why I am sharing this. The truth is, I'm not really sure. I'm not looking for sympathy. In fact, your sympathies will only make me uncomfortable. Maybe if I share this next story about that baby I lost, you'll understand why I want to keep that memory alive...

The night before Brian, my now-husband, proposed, I had a dream. And I'm warning you now, this dream is WEIRD. I was sitting on a hill in the grass on a sunny day and I was crying. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see a little girl about 5 or 6 standing there. She was dressed in a white dress with sleeves and the hem went to her feet--very old time-ish. She said, "Don't cry for me Mama. Jesus is taking care of me." This girl had my ex-husband's beautiful Italian coloring and black curly hair that fell to her waist. She had my green eyes and she was beautiful. When I looked at her, all I could think was "Ella" which was the girl name we had picked out for that baby. Weird, right?! The next day while Brian and I were skiing, I was completely in a funk. I was cranky towards him and couldn't get that dream out of my head. Brian was concerned and kept asking what was wrong but I just told him that I had bad dreams that didn't allow me to sleep well. We went to the top of the mountain for the last run before the mountain closed and he proposed. Poor guy! I had been rotten to him all day and that was the day he was proposing. Haha! No wonder he kept asking me if I was okay. He wanted to make sure he wasn't the reason I was upset. I never told anyone the details of that dream until I read a book called "Heaven is For Real" about a boy who almost died when he was four and said he went to Heaven briefly and he met his sister that his mom had miscarried before he was born and what she said to him about Jesus taking care of her was almost the exact same thing that Ella had said to me in my dream. Super eerie! That's when I started to tell a couple of people about that dream. You can believe me or not or just think it's coincidence but I really believe that dream was given to me for comfort. 

Now you're probably wondering why in the world I'm sharing this in a health and fitness blog. Well, I run from things. Literally. I accept that. When I'm having a hard time, I run. I get a sense of clarity about life. There is healing in a pair of running shoes. I ran a lot towards the end of my first marriage and after that miscarriage. Running was therapy for me then. Now I actually enjoy running although I do have the occasional bouts of being down that can be helped with a run. I don't only run when I'm sad or unhappy, but I always run when I am.

Obviously all of this comes to mind this time of year because it's almost March 1st. I'm sure I'll have a bag (or two) of Peanut Butter M&Ms since that seems to be my drug of choice. I don't know where my life would be had that baby survived. Would I still be married to my ex? My life now is perfect. My husband is amazing and we have the most amazing little girl. Ironically, we are having her 2nd birthday party with Brian's family on March 1st in Seattle. It's funny how things turn out.

My take away after this loooong post if you're even still reading is this: no matter how sad or bad your life is, things always have a way of working themselves out if you allow them to.

Protein Oatmeal Raisin "Cookies"

I was in the mood to experiment a little last night with a breakfast cookie recipe involving oatmeal, raisins, and bananas.

I don't know if I can really call this a recipe because the measurements will vary based on the size if your hand. So here goes:

2 very ripe bananas, mashed

1 scoop of French vanilla protein powder

Approx. 1 cup of oats (you can feel this out for your desired consistency)

2 handfuls of raisins

1 handful of flax seeds

1 handful of chia seeds

1/2 tablespoon of cinnamon

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

1. Mash bananas in medium bowl.

2. Add protein powder and stir well.

3. Add oatmeal and stir.

4. Add the raisins, chia seeds, and flax seeds and stir together.

5. Add cinnamon to taste

6. Put on cookie sheet by spoonfuls (mine made 11 cookies)

7. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes or until the edges start turning brown. 

8. Let cool and enjoy! 

I store these in the fridge but you could make bigger batches and freeze them as well. They may be a little sticky when you take them out of the fridge or freezer.

The Magic and Empowering Women

I admit, I used to be one of those gym junkies who was always on a treadmill, rower, or spin bike or in the weight room with my head phones on and a Post-It Note on my forehead that read:  "PISS OFF! Talk to me or disturb my workout and you will see 50 Shades of Bitch come out!"  Obviously, that last part is not true, but I wore that look.  I didn't want to be bothered, especially by muscled guys who thought I needed a spot on the bench press. Their lurking was always insulting and I definitely showed them with my glare after I had no problem with whatever weight I was benching.  Yeah, I was THAT person.  Then something happened...

There was a girl that started working out at the Y the same time I did and she was a badass.  She had these beautiful muscles and moved through the gym with such ease and this may sound weird, but I desperately wanted to talk to her.  I wanted to find out why she lifted so much and if she was training for anything and just to tell her that I envied her arms, her thighs, her butt.  I realized that these were some of the things that people would stop me to ask and I always found so annoying.  Hmm, reality check.  I stopped wearing headphones and would start smiling at people more.  I started noticing the personal trainers. I was in the middle of getting certified to become a personal trainer and I wanted to see how they interacted with people.  I was absolutely appalled that they never said "hi" to any other gym members, they never returned my smiles, and a lot of times they would train their clients next to each other so they could have social hour with their co-workers.  I vowed to not be that way. I dreamed of smiling and saying "hi" to everyone and in between sessions, learn some of the regulars' names when I became a personal trainer.  Well, this never happened because we moved and I joined CrossFit.  Ahh, CrossFit.

The first few times I went, I was hooked.  Not because of the amazing workouts, although that is always there, but because of the relationships.  Our coach for On Ramp was fun and my husband and I were allowed to just be ourselves and joke around.  It was socially a good time. I've been going to The Pack CrossFit now for 7 months (wow, that went fast!) and I'm noticing something. Women talk about each other.  I always hated that gossipy thing that girls did growing up and tended to hang out with the guys and as I got older, became more of a loner because I wasn't like that.  I hate the "Did you see what she was wearing?" or "Oh my gosh, did you see her haircut/how much weight she's gained/*fill in any snarky comment here*?" I felt that way at the gym I used to workout out. When I got weird looks from other women I wondered if my shorts were too short or tight or if my shirt was too tight and I had a bulgy stomach after a food binge. Is that not the most annoying thing?!  Now I know I shouldn't care what other people think and I preach that philosophy whenever possible, but the truth is I'm human.  My fatal flaw may just be that I'm self conscious.  Maybe I was teased and bullied too much as a kid (middle school was particularly bad) and that has had a lasting impression on me.  Who knows!  But I digress...women, in general, tend to talk about other women.  However, there is a magic that happens at The Pack (and I really hope at other CrossFit boxes around the world).  I now hear and say things like "Did you see her abs when her shirt came up while doing handstand push ups?! They are amazing!" "Were you there the day she got her first muscle up? Man, she fought so hard for it!" "She has the cutest Lululemon pants that make her ass look ah-mazing!"  Do you see how that is magical?  In a world full of criticism that has made me shy away from social situations, here are these amazing women EMPOWERING each other.  It's not about your size or your looks.  It is about how far you have come and the things you do well.  That is incredible!  THAT is addictive.  For the first time, I have no problem going up to people at the box I don't know and saying "hi" or cheering for them in a WOD.  I have no problem telling someone that they are so strong or that their muscles are things to be envied.  Everyone is so accepting of your strengths and your flaws.  I'm fully aware that I'm terrible at Olympic lifts right now, but I'm also aware that I'm pretty awesome at handstand walks, running, and box jumps.  It's not about age because I can name a few women at our box that are older than me that can beat me in a WOD 9 times out of 10.  I always hear about how people who don't CrossFit get annoyed by those that do because they talk about it all the time or are always posting pictures.  It's because they haven't had a taste of the magic. When you are around the most encouraging, fun people you have ever met that become like your family and love you where you're at, how can you not talk about it?  Magic...

Kid Food

Let's face it--it is super hard to get kids to eat healthy, clean foods in a world full of Goldfish, PopTarts, cereal, and chicken nuggets! Can I get an "amen"?! I have to say that I was incredibly proud of how well our daughter ate the first year and a half of her life. Being married to a baby doctor, I got kind of the ins and outs of ways to get your kids to eat right. Things like: First food should be a green veggie with a unique taste. Have your kids eat what you are eating. And so on.

Here are some pics of EG in those early, veggie lovin' days:

Yeah, she's freakin' cute. I spent (okay, my husband spent) hours making delicious baby food. She loved it all! As she got older, she still ate it all! Salmon, asparagus, hard-boiled egg whites, peppers, plain oatmeal with chia seeds. It was amazing! Then this crazy thing happened: family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles...I get it. Food makes you cool. My sisters started sneaking E cookies. One of our nephews was having macaroni & cheese and everyone was dumbfounded when we said that E had never had any, so of course, she got some. At first, things were okay. She still ate great with us, but then she would start asking for juice and cookies--things that we never let her have. After my irritation subsided of her now not wanting to eat vegetables or meat anymore, I realized that this is life. Obviously I cannot shelter her from the cupcakes of the world but I can teach her about healthy foods and every-once-in-a-while foods.

Another problem we face with E and food is that she is not able to eat what we eat for dinner anymore simply because she goes to bed at 6pm (yes, go ahead and hate me. Why do you think we have not had another child yet? We couldn't possibly be lucky in the sleep department more than once). She eats her dinner about 5 o'clock and that is too early for B and I, mainly because I'm scrambling to thaw chicken or whatever else I forgot to prepare in the course of the day. Because of all this, I go for convenient, healthy food. If you have young kids and need some fresh ideas for meals or snacks, here are some photos I've taken over the last few days. Yes, I'm aware that I'm not perfect with some of the foods she eats, but I try to do my best with what we have as I'm sure you do. :)

Yogurt, strawberries, cucumbers, red peppers, and canned chicken.

Apple Gate turkey hot dogs (no preservatives, nitrite and nitrate free), pickles, celery, and apples

Banana, minimally processed jerky, and cashews

Scrambled eggs with green onions and chicken-apple sausage, and strawberries

Simple Truth minimally process turkey lunch meat, whole grain crackers, kalamata olives, and cucumbers

Frozen peas, strawberries, string cheese, Apple Gate turkey hot dog

Sunflower seeds, orange bell pepper, kiwi, and Greek yogurt

Brown rice cake with all natural/no sugar added peanut butter, pears, string cheese, and celery

Homemade grain-free graham crackers, cashews, and a banana

Things I Always Try To Have On Hand

Fruit: raisins, dried cranberries, frozen blueberries, applesauce pouches with no added sugar, and whatever fresh fruit that's on sale at the store. E loves fruit so this is not a problem area for us.

Veggies: frozen peas, cucumbers, carrots, celery, pickles, and whatever else that is on sale at the store. Bell peppers can sometimes be a hit. A lot of times E will only eat her veggies if there is something else that she wants more of. I am not above bribery. If you have any ideas of how to get kids to eat their veggies--please share! Or write a book, because you could make millions, I mm sure!

Healthy Fats: peanuts, cashews, pecans, sunflower seeds, olives, organic whole milk, non-gmo yogurt like StoneyField, all natural/no sugar added peanut butter, and chia seeds

Grains: plain oatmeal, whole grain crackers (always check labels on these, they may not be as healthy as you think), popcorn kernels for our air popper, brown rice cakes

Protein: Greek yogurt, "Popsicles" aka frozen Greek yogurt in the tubes, eggs, jerky, canned chicken. Sadly, E only likes processed meats like lunch meat, hot dogs, bacon, etc. so I go to the health foods section at the store and read labels. Apple Gate brand is really good as far as the processing and preservatives go.

Drinks: When E is home with us, she only gets organic whole milk with meals and water with snacks. I think she gets juice at preschool with her snack, but rarely gets it at home. Every once in a whole we'll spike her water with a little apple juice or a squeeze of lemon so she thinks she's getting juice. She doesn't know the difference and doesn't get all the sugar.

If you have any ideas for mommy-convenient and healthy foods, PLEASE SHARE! Know that in no way am I trying to come across as "look at how good my

Kid eats" because it is not like this all the time. I'm simply compiling a list that I wish I had when E started eating regular food. :)

Oh yeah, and we go through a crazy amount of Larabars (fruit & nut bars).

Vacation!

Who doesn't love a good vacation, right? My hubby and I celebrated our third year wedding anniversary on the 19th so we decided to get away (childless) for the week. We went to Sandpoint, Idaho to have a little ski vacation at Schweitzer Ski  Resort. This is where B and I got engaged, so the area is very special to us.

We also reenacted our first date to Kootenai Falls in Libby, Montana. Isn't it beautiful? There was a lot less ice and snow than the last time we went. :)

Of course, I had to stop and do a pull up on the bridge. Not as easy as it looks since I was wearing snow boots and there was a few inches of a drop off of that concrete.

The real reason I'm writing about this vacation is because it is really hard to eat well and train while on vacation. Here are a few tips I have come up with to make vacations not completely derail any hard work you've been doing.

1. Pack snacks. I had several Larabars and jerky in my purse for the days that we were traveling as well as any breakfasts or snacks that came up. This helped me to not get too hungry and choose less healthy options for convenience.

2. Pack an empty water bottle. Because of the new rules for flying with liquids, you are often forced to buy spendy drinks or water once you get through the security gates. If you pack your own water bottle, you can fill it up at the drinking fountain for free and not be tempted with sugary drinks. However, disregard if you are afraid of tap water. I am not.

3. Research restaurants. Because of my food intolerances, I was really nervous about going to my old favorite restaurants when I couldn't eat the foods I used to get and love. Looking up menus ahead of time made me feel better about the options (or find somewhere else to eat) and helped me not to *gulp* cave in and get the foods that I knew I'd be paying for later. I was delightfully surprised by all the gluten-free options that were available. 

4. Research places to workout. A lot hotels have a work out room in them, which is always nice to utilize if you're pinched for time. Most gyms allow people to pay a drop in fee to work out for the day. I found a CrossFit box that let us workout a couple of times in exchange for buying their t-shirts, which I was wanting to get anyway. We also did a short hike to the Kootenai Falls, walked from our hotel in Sandpoint to downtown to explore the shops and not worry about finding parking. And, of course, we skied! A lot of times I look up running trails in the area we're visiting because I think it is a great way to explore. We didn't do that this time, but that is always a really fun thing to do. 

And lastly, HAVE FUN!!!

CrossFit: 5 Reasons I'm A Better Human Being

***I promise that all of my posts will not be about CrossFit...most of the time.***

If you are a friend of mine on my personal Facebook page, you definitely know that I started to do CrossFit five months ago.  It kind of consumes my thoughts all of the time, as with most people who start and love CrossFit. I thought about writing this lengthy post about all the things I love about it and how I came about joining a Box, but I'm tired of always being so lengthy and I'm sure you are too!  I'm going to highlight five reasons why CrossFit has made me a better human being:

1. It makes me a cooler mom. E loves it when I practice CrossFittish stuff in our living room like handstands, handstand walks, snatches and cleans with the PVC pipe, goblet squats, handstand push ups, etc. She jumps right in too and tries to do it with me!

2. It has made me more patriotic. Murph was a crazy-hard WOD that led to three tears in my hands during the pull up portion and bruises on my knees from clenching a plate, but when I went home and researched this Murph-guy, the experience was very humbling.

3. It has made me more social. I'm not a super social person, especially since having E, but my morning WOD forces me to talk to people and actually enjoy the company. Being a stay at home mom, that is sometimes my only adult interaction for the day (that includes the nights my husband is home! ;) ).

4. I can see my abs again. I don't know if this actually makes me a better person, but it feels pretty cool! I haven't had abs since I was 14 and I was doing 1000 crunches every day because I read that's what Brittany Spears did. True story! My abs may not be pretty with stretch marks, scars from a c-section, appendectomy, and belly button piercing, and what can only be described as a hernia, but hey, I got 'em!

5. It saves my sanity. E goes to preschool during the time I get to enjoy CrossFit and the hour or two that I have is about me. I'm not just a mom when I'm there but I'm an athlete that sets goals and achieves them. I'm clearing my mind from the stresses of motherhood and really, just life.

Yep, CrossFit kind of rocks my world.

Why I've Been Gone...

I don't know about you, but I follow a lot of blogs about fitness and nutrition.  My Facebook News Feed is full of people I don't know who post motivational sayings and water reminders and what not, which I originally enjoyed.  I love when a blogger that I follow posts a new recipe that is easy to make and something that I can actually eat.  It's kind of the reason why I wanted to start my blog in the first place.  I wanted it to be a motivational tool for myself first and foremost, and THEN anyone who decides to grace my pages with their presence.

However, in the last few months I have been quite disgusted with a lot of these blogs on social media or really any form of media.  In my mind, being healthy and fit doesn't fit one mold.  How boring would that be if we all looked the same or wore the same size of clothes?  I often see pictures of women and think, "I wish I looked more like that."  Or I see the other ladies at my box and long for their muscular legs and squat-lovin' butts.  I hate that I do that because I'm a firm believer in loving where you're at and making the most of the process, but it is human nature to compare.  I feel like this comparing to other women has amplified in the last couple of years and is going to have a very negative effect on our young girls and since I have a young daughter with an impressionable mind, I'm very bothered by this.  Here are a few examples of what I mean:

Thigh Gap

This is a sad trend that is popular among adolescent girls.  The thigh gap is not a natural occurrence to most women so it is sad that people see the need make their thigh muscles disappear so much that your legs no longer touch.  If it was a contest of survival of the fittest, who do you think would win:  the girl with legs that are merely bones covered in skin or one that has some muscle to run from predators or catch prey?  If you just Google "thigh gap images" it is a very sad picture of what some people think it means to be sexy.

Here is a video from GMA about Thigh Gap

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3D0jMIOK_c


What's Your Excuse?



Maria Kang is one of the mommy motivational FB pages I follow.  I saw this picture right after I had Elie when I was feeling like I would never have a body that I was comfortable with again.  To me, this was motivational.  Not once did I think that she was bragging or putting down other moms for not looking like this after having kids.  I get the phrase "What's your excuse?" because if you put the time in, you can look like this version of yourself, whatever that may be.  That's my biggest pet peeve when people say they can't lose weight--all the excuses that follow.  It has nothing to do with how many kids you have or how many hours you work a day.  It's about what you are eating and how you are getting active.  Did I look like this 8 months after having Elie?  Probably not, but it gave me hope and the drive to push myself to limits I didn't know I had.  I can tell you without batting an eyelash that I am in better shape AFTER having Elie than I ever was before--and that includes my college volleyball days!  I saw this picture and thought, "It can be done and I can do it if I put my mind to it." 

Then came the uproar from other mommy bloggers.  Maria Kang was actually temporarily banned from FB because somebody flagged her account as inappropriate.  She got all sorts of hate letters about how she must be a terrible mom because clearly all she cared about was looking like a swimsuit model.  I personally do not know what kind of mom Maria Kang is but I think it is ludicrous that people can judge that behind the keys of a computer or smart phone.  THAT is what irritates me.  I struggled with this when I still lived in Nashville and I asked Brian if we could get a membership to the Y.  I felt bad that Elie was going into daycare for two hours a day just so I could work out, but I got over it very quickly.  I want to be the best mommy possible and in order for me to do that, I need to make my health a priority because I want to be around for as long as I possibly can.  I want to instill in my daughter the benefits of eating healthy and exercising.  It is also good for my mentality to take a much needed break from motherhood a day.  Does that make me a bad mom?  No!  I think it makes me a better one because I was given the chance to recharge my batteries and given the energy to play and have fun her when I would have felt exhausted and run down otherwise.  Am I saying that you're a bad mom because you're not taking the time away from your kids?  Absolutely not!  Surely you're more of a saint than me because I would go crazy.  BUT maybe putting your health in the top with your priorities will help you out.

Bottom line with this one:  I think people missed the point and ended up doing what they said she was doing to begin with--tearing other women down.  How does that make sense?

The Bikini War

Ugh...Just read the headline and then come back.

http://www.tmz.com/2013/12/31/katie-holmes-jennifer-aniston-bikini/?adid=hero7

Seriously?!  In what world is it okay to say who looks better in a swimsuit?  Disgusting!  If you really want to get my point of how thoughtless people are, read the comments.

Let's end on a good note!

Jennifer Lawrence

This is actually something that I'm glad made it into the media.  I LOVE Jennifer Lawrence.  I love her even more now that she has really come out and talked about empowering other women and how the media can be destructive when it comes to how women view themselves.  This video is really awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SA1HampO98#t=96

"Screw them!"

It's New Year's which means a lot of you are making resolutions, and statistics show they are most likely going to be about getting healthier.  I agree that we should all strive to be healthier, but for the right reasons.  I have a better idea for a New Year's resolution.  Let's try to be more empowering to other women.  Let's recognize each other's accomplishments and listen to each other's struggles.  Build people up, not tear them down.  Deal?