"I Swear I Lived"

Do you know this song? I LOVE it! It makes me excited about life. It makes me happy to try new things and give it everything I have. 

"I owned every second that this world could give. I saw so many places--the things that I did! Yeah, with every broken bone, I swear, I lived!"

I have surgery on my ankle on Tuesday--as in, FOUR DAYS. I've had problems with this ankle for so long. I still remember the first time I broke it when I was in second grade and trying to get around my sister's Barbie's on the floor and I fell into the corner of the TV. It hurt, but everybody thought I was faking it because I ALWAYS get hurt and surely no one could have that bad of luck, right? Well, I do and I think the people around me are starting to realize it. Two weeks had gone by and it was still really hurting me so I decided to take matters into my own hands. I faked a fall from the monkey bars at school so they called my mom and she took me to the doctor. Aw, my first fracture. Then in sixth grade, we were scrimmaging the fifth graders in recreation basketball and I went up for a rebound and came down on Sandee Dalton's foot. I still cringe when Inthink about that. If you've ever rolled your ankle, you know that just thinking about it is a real sphincter-pucker. As the years have gone on, there have been many more injuries to that ankle in volleyball and basketball. In college, I spent more time in the whirlpool or with the trainer and an ultrasound than I did on the volleyball court. I went to doctor s and they all said the same thing: "If you do it again, you will need to have surgery." I just kept going to different doctors.

Then in 2013, B and I bought a new hike pack for Baby E and I was so excited to use it that I insisted on using it first.

Ah, it was May 1st and we were exploring a new, beautiful trail around Pegram, Tennessee.

Then I tripped on a tree root. Luckily, I had enough mom-sense to fall forward instead of backward because of E. Instantly there was a pop and I yelled, "I just broke my ankle!" B took E and the pack from me and I had no choice but to hike the two miles back out to the car.

Sure enough it was broken. Little did I know that this was the break that haunt me time and time again. It didn't hurt too bad and I ran a half marathon three months later, thinking I had rehabilitated it well. But it would randomly go--walking was even problematic at times because it would just go randomly and I couldn't do anything to prevent it. I finally got an MRI and confirmed what I had know for a while; I needed surgery. So on Tuesday, I will be in Provo, Utah with some renowned surgeon taking out a chunk of my ankle bone and repairing a ligament, possibly with a cadaver piece (how cool is that?! I'll be part zombie!). 

Back to the song. "With every broken bone, I swear, I lived." That is true for me. I love hiking and I have seen some beautiful places. I love playing volleyball and basketball. I always knew there was potential for injury, but I still did it and will continue to do the things I love because I want to live! I want the good stories!

My doctor promised that after surgery, I will be better at running and CrossFit and I'm looking forward to this. 

Until then I'm trying to keep my head up and stay active any way I can. I'm so thankful we bought a spin bike several months ago because that puts zero pressure on my ankle. Although I'm always reminded of how weak my legs are when I bike.

This is currently my workout room. B had the great idea to clean out our storage closet and really that just meant placing all the stuff somewhere else until I go through it. I was able to carefully maneuver my way to the bike in the back.

It was hard and made me realized how out of shape I have gotten in the last month. I broke a sweat and that's what I needed. Breathing easier will come later. When I find working out to be disheartening, I try to end it with something I like. Handstands, it is!!!

21 Day Sugar Detox--CHECK!

I have completed Diane Sanfilippo's (Practical Paleo) 21 Day Sugar Detox. Overall: success! There was one day that I was sick with a sore throat so I drank a Zip Fizz for all the vitamins and a little caffeine kick. And it actually made my stomach hurt when I drank it.

What I've learned:

1. There is sugar in almost EVERYTHING!  There really isn't many packaged items that don't have some sort of sugar added.

2. To cook!!! Well, kind of...It still makes me super nervous and stressed, but the recipes were so easy to follow and I made sure I was food prepping for the next meal any free time I had to ensure a smooth outcome. I made Chicken Pot Pies and they were sooooo good! I didn't even know that you could make those. I thought some machine made them and put them in a box labeled "Marie Calendar's". I also don't know if I will ever go back to store bought ketchup and mustard again for barbecues.

How I Feel:

Great! It took some getting used to not having my Zip Fizz or Spark before workouts, but now I don't think I'll use them unless it's an emergent situation. I also was really nervous about being able to sleep at night without my dose of Benadryll, but I found that I actually slept better. 

How I Look:

Pretty much the same. Which I'm okay with. I wasn't doing this to lose weight. However, my abs have made a few appearances which is pretty exciting to me since Baby P just turned 6 months old.

B told me that my skin looked better! I always deal with skin problems. I'm a picker and I can always tell that I've been glutened (aside from my horrible stomach pain and bloating) by the big cystic zits on my jawline and neck. I do feel like I've had less to cover up with concealer. Most days I was able to get by with just some tinted moisturizer. When you've had troubled skin your whole life, this is the dream!

B looks great! Last he told me, he had lost around 15 pounds! I'm so proud of him. I know how hard it was for him to give up beer for three weeks! Ha!

How I Survived:

I premade a lot of food. I tried to always have veggies cut up and easy to grab. I had lots of nuts on hand and even discovered a newfound love for pistachios. I cooked up batches of bacon, steamed sweet potatoes, and hard boiled eggs for quick meals in the morning when life is crazy. I drank lots of water and herbal tea (thank you Steeping Leaf) for staying well hydrated.

The Downside:

I was breastfeeding while doing this and also still working out pretty hard. The author gives great recommendations for energy modifiers for someone like me and I tried to keep up with it, but wasn't always great about getting my extra carbs. At Baby P's 6 month check up we found out that she is not growing the way she should so had to start supplementing with formula. Is it because of the detox? Maybe, but at my own fault. But also, I stopped producing milk with my first baby at 3-4 months so it may have absolutely nothing to do with this challenge.

Now What?

B and I have both agreed that we feel great and will continue to eat this way for the most part, but allow ourselves a few treats now and then. I will probably eat some fruit again since you can only have green apples, green tipped bananas, and grapefruit on the detox. I'll also add in a few of my supplements. I love my protein powder and it doesn't have any artificial sweeteners. 

What Am I Excited To Eat?

Honestly, I'm not really craving anything. This is huge! We're walking to our favorite Mexican restaurant tonight so we can have some chips and a margarita or two, but even that kind of sounds eh. I do know that I'm going to take it easy because if I reach for the ice cream and chocolate all the time because I can, I'll be right back where I was. Also, my stomach is not used to those kinds of food and I'd much rather not have stomach issues.

Helpful Links:

The book and cookbook

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1936608111/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1433598736&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SY200_QL40&keywords=21+day+sugar+detox&dpPl=1&dpID=61VyMZgAfNL&ref=plSrch

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1936608138/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?qid=1433598736&sr=8-2&pi=AC_SY200_QL40&keywords=21+day+sugar+detox&dpPl=1&dpID=61ujKmB2MhL&ref=plSrch

The easiest way to hard boil eggs

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0007M2BN0/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1433598883&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SY200_QL40&keywords=Nordicware+hard&dpPl=1&dpID=31Csqznne8L&ref=plSrch

My new favorite breakfast recipe

http://21daysugardetox.com/21dsd-recipe-banana-vanilla-bean-noatmeal/

And now, food photos

Sugar, Sugar

Hey, y'all!

I've been a little absent. I had every intention of doing my post-partem posts but life happens. It's crazy how much different having two kids is than one. I'm actually relieved that we're done!

I'm writing today to talk about the 21 Day Sugar Detox. I know it sounds gimmicky and like I'm trying to sell you something, but I'm not! That's the beauty of this program!

It's a book that you can probably even find at the library. It explains how bad sugar is for us (if you haven't yet, you NEED to watch "Fed Up". It is now on Netflix) and even artificial sugars. She even provides a detailed menu for the whole 21 days if you aren't a picky eater and have plenty of time to cook and do food prep. It's easy to follow as there are specific food lists such as Yes foods, Limit foods, and No foods. It even has modifications if you are extremely active and/or pregnant or breastfeeding. There are different levels as well based on how you are currently eating. 3/4 of this book are delicious recipes.

This is zucchini noodles (don't knock it until you try it), simple marinara sauce, perfectly grilled chicken, and Organic whole fat Parmesan cheese.

This is lemon Rosemary salmon with lemon and olive asparagus.

The nice thing, these recipes are actually easy!!! I am no cook, but I've been able to make these meals from scratch with ease. Even my hubby likes doing this detox because it forces me to cook more since some of my go-to recipes are off limits. He has also lost five pounds and we're only on day 6.

About day 3, I noticed my upper abs poking through! Before you look at the picture, please remember that I had a baby 5 months ago, I have stretch marks, a c-section scar, an appendectomy scar, and two hernias. I'm over it but I wanted to address the fact that I'm aware that my stomach may not be up to some people's standards. Be kind. I earned all of those scars.

Elmo totally photobombed me! I use E's bathroom because of the lighting.

Don't have a lot of time to cook glorious meals? That's okay too because there are easy things to make too.

This was just scrambled eggs with onion, pepper, and spinach, nitrate/nitrite free bacon, and while fat, local milk. Not too shabby, eh?

I also made my own beef jerky to have on hand so after workouts I've been eating some of that with some nuts and a veggie like cherry tomatoes or sugar-snap peas. For breakfast I usually have a couple of hard-boiled eggs, sweet potatoes with cinnamon (I'm on an energy modifier), and a banana or a green apple. 

It is not all rose though. Day 3 I woke up feeling sick and shaky. I thought I was actually sick, but when I looked in the book at what to expect for each day, day 3 said exactly how I was feeling. And I didn't even think I had that big of a problem with sugar! I'm past the shakiness, but I feel off in my workouts and wake up with a pretty good sized headache, which is all normal. All of this is part of the process and will pass. This just goes to show the havoc that sugars wreck on our minds and bodies!

The good things: 

I am a pill popper. I hate that about myself, but I don't sleep well without taking Benadryl or melatonin or *gulp* BOTH. I have nightmares and dreams about my past that I'd rather not relive, so I self-medicate. It can take me HOURS to fall asleep. However, I have had no problems with sleeping without any medicine since starting this. That is HUGE for me! Also, I tend to drink one Spark energy drink and one Zip Fizz everyday for energy. I have always hated reading the ingredient list and seeing things I can't pronounce and the biggie, sucralose! Critics will say that there is no research that shows it's bad for you and just passed through your system, but I don't think it's been around long enough. Our bodies don't know how to digest it and really, are there any man made food substitutes that have been proven to be good for us? I have always stumbled on this because I have always preached whole, clean foods but yet drink things daily that basically have Splenda in it. I wanted to wean myself off and this seamed like the perfect opportunity. So far, so good. I've been drinking a cup of coffee in the morning to help with that initial "wake up" moment that I still need at this point.

In conclusion of this really long post, I'm going to suggest that you watch the movie "Fed Up". It is something every American should watch, especially if you have children. We eat decently well in our house and I'm horrified by the amounts of sugar my little E was still getting everyday that we don't think about. Something needs to be done about this--in our schools and homes on the local level and getting some work done on the political front.

The Struggle is REAL!

I don't know about you, but I follow a lot of fitness/motivational people on Facebook and Instagram. I look at these pages for inspiration--the "they did it, so can I" factor. But man, I've got to be honest.

I'm struggling right now with my postpartum recovery. I see pictures of these beautiful, well put together moms that are showing off their six pack two months after having a baby. I'm not going  to lie, I wish I was like that. Instead of being thrilled that I can fit into my pre-pregnancy pants, I focus on the flap of skin that hangs over the top. Instead of being thankful that I was able to work out pretty hard during my pregnancy, I focus on how much I've lost during that time. 

I don't think I expected to come back better than ever, but it has been harder than I anticipated. The things I was so looking forward to upon my arrival back are now hard for me. A lot of my friends would tease me toward the end of pregnancy with statements like, "Man, you're going to be popping out pull ups and muscle ups like they're nothing after having the baby." If you were one of the people who said something like this to me, don't feel bad! I believed that too! If I was able to do some of those things while 9 months pregnant and 40 pounds heavier, it only makes sense that it would be easy after having the baby and losing the baby weight. I'm here to tell you that it is not. The first two weeks of working out after the baby I felt so proud of myself. For where I was at, I was kicking butt in WODs. More so than I expected. But about a week and a half ago, something happened. I can't pinpoint it. I don't know if I pushed too hard in a workout that I thought I should have crushed or what, but that spark of feeling good about my recovery disappeared. Like, completely. Maybe I expect too much out of myself. In fact, I KNOW I do but it is so hard to know how far I have come and the obstacles I endured on my fitness journey, to not expect more out of myself right now when I'm capable.

Realization: I JUST had a baby. Two months ago. And while my mind thinks that's adequate time to be back where I was before pregnancy, my body has other plans.

I am not that new mom on Instagram that had a c-section two weeks ago and is running six miles a day. I'm not even the same mom I was after I had baby number 1 when things were easier. My body is different. My mentality is different. The only thing I can really do is trust the process and stop comparing myself to others. Trust the process and not set my expectations of myself ridiculously high.

I may be grumpy that things aren't going the way I wish they would, but I just have to keep showing up. Keep putting in the work. It's not a race to see how quickly I can confidently wear a bikini in public (The answer to that is "never", by the way). My whole purpose for working out the way I do and striving to make healthy choices day in and day out is to be fit for life. That is why I named the blog that, after all. I want to be fit for life to be able to play with my kids and future grand kids and hike with my husband all over the place when he retires. I'm not doing this for a season, a competition, a race. Like my coach, Becky, says "I'm preparing for the body I want when I'm 80." THAT is the goal: FIT 4 LIFE.

A special thanks to Coach Kristin for making me remember.

Two reasons to keep pushing towards my goals, especially when they are harder than anticipated. :)

Facing Fears and Accomplishing Goals

I'm taking swimming lessons. I don't like swimming. I hate that pools are usually cold. I hate getting wet with chlorine or fishy water because I have to think about when I will shower it all off and how fixing my hair afterwards is a hassle. I'm thinking my anxiety about swimming started when I was in elementary school and I would go swimming almost everyday in the summer. My hair was so green! I tried lemon juice, Sun In, leave in conditioners and none of it would keep my hair from turning green. It was a little embarrassing.

It's not that I don't know how to swim. I can definitely swim well enough to jump off diving boards and rocks and swim back to a boat in a lake. I'm usually one of the first ones to jump off of things.  

This is me jumping off of some rocks in Puerto Vallarta a little over a year ago.

 My problem is inefficiency. My form is atrocious. One of the things I've wanted to do for a while now is a triathlon. If you are not a very efficient swimmer and hate the water, this could be tricky. When I was very pregnant and dreaming of the things I could do when I was no longer pregnant, I made a goal board for 2015. On that board I have "Become a better swimmer" and "do a triathlon sprint". Dreaming of doing these things is very different that actually accomplishing them. When all the other times I said I was going to do these I would put it off for another time. I knew I needed to have a plan. I could go swimming as much as I wanted but if I didn't rework my form to be better, it wouldn't help me much.

 This is why I'm taking swimming lessons. I had my first one last night and was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed it. The pool wasn't cold. I had a swim cap and goggles on. I bought some one piece swimsuits because no matter how fit I am, I will always be self-conscious about two piece swimsuits even though I buy a new one every year. I'm going to make sure that this is the time I learn to love swimming and get over my insecurities or other weird issues. I'm constantly afraid of looking dumb and I'm sick of living like that. I can have wet hair and no make up on when I leave the pool and that's okay. I can have the goggle and swim cap marks on my face and just not care because it shows that I'm doing something.

Face your fears and accomplish your goals! This is my new mantra!

On another note...

Baby P is 8 weeks old today. Isn't she cute?

I took some gross bathroom selfies this morning because I could see my upper abdominals! 

I still have quite a bit of loose skin that hangs over my c-section scar but that will go away with time. I'm pretty pleased with this improvement since 4 weeks PP.

I will get an updates progress picture in the same outfit as above sometime soon to get a better grasp of progress being made.

Your turn:

What goals have you made for 2015 and how are you accomplishing them?

Postpartum Running

Well, I may not be able to run like I'm being chased and that dinosaur would totally catch me, but I needed extra motivation this morning to run even though it's hard. 

My view this morning

You see, even though I worked out pretty hard my whole pregnancy, I feel very out of shape. I get out if breath very quickly and I'm not even running that fast. It takes everything within me to keep pushing myself when I'm like that so I can rebuild my lung capacity. It will take time, but it's frustrating.

If you're wondering how my incision is feeling when I run when I had my c-section only 5 1/2 weeks ago, my secret is a neoprene tummy wrap.

It holds everything in with support and also reminds me that I need to take it a little easier when I'm doing other things like lifting weights. I also like it because it feels like it tucks in my excess skin from pregnancy. I will at some point wean myself off of it because after my last pregnancy I felt like I was relying on it too much and not engaging my core. The name is Baboosh Baby and is endorsed by Brooke Burke if you are interested in looking it up.

Something I'm excited about is that I went on a Lululemon shopping spree at their outlet in Burlington, Washington when I was there this summer. I was taking a chance that my old size would work after pregnancy, but the last couple of days, I've been able to wear some of the items.

How cute are these running tights?!

What do you like to listen to when you run? I totally listen to the Britney Spears station on Pandora. :)

One Month Post-Partem

Well, I had hoped to do some photos at 2 weeks PP but I was still carrying so much extra fluid that I didn't think it was an accurate representation of an actual starting point on the road to getting my body back in shape after baby number two. To see where I was before I got pregnant, here's this photo:

This photo was also taken right after I went on a gluten binge and was having some extra bloat problems. However, I look at that now and I would give anything (most blood, sweat, and tears) to get my stomach looking like that again.

And now, four weeks PP, this is what I've got to work with: 

Up until last week all I have been able to to was walk on the treadmill. I was able to vary my pace and incline to get the most bang for my buck. Last week I couldn't take it any longer and started to do some easy jogging and some drop sets with dumbbells for my shoulders, triceps, and biceps. I figured I could work these muscles groups without straining my incision from the c-section. I have my PP doctor appointment next Thursday and I'm considering wearing workout clothes so I can go straight to CrossFit afterwards. Haha!

Although the pictures above are humbling and show me how far I have to go, I'm excited for the journey and more photos to compare my results throughout the coming months. I'll leave you with a comparison photo to when Inwas four weeks PP with my first baby. Although there's not a significant difference in my body overall (wouldn't it be nice if you just gained weight in your stomach and nowhere else?!), I notice a change in my stomach. Now if I can just get my nutrition on par...

She's here!

Baby P has finally made her arrival and she's perfect! I was a Nervous Nelly for the IV and the Spinal because I'm a baby when it comes to pain and needles, but I made it through with lots of chuckles from my husband. Because of the nature of the complications I had with Baby E, I was not a viable candidate for a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) so we had the day planned ahead of time and truthfully, I was okay without going through contractions again.

Three Surgeries In One

First, and foremost, I had the c-section but I also opted to have my tubes tied because my husband and I had discussed that this was our last pregnancy. I don't enjoy being pregnant and we also have plans to adopt from Africa at some point in the future, so we knew that we were more than okay with this permanent birth control method. 

The third part of the surgery that I hadn't anticipated was that I had another small cyst on my right ovary. Did I not just have a fist-sized tumor and part of that ovary removed in June?! My doctor said it's possible that there was a tiny piece left that they didn't see and the hormones from pregnancy has made it grow. He said that there may be more of these in my future but hopefully he saved me a surgery down the road. I'm not super thrilled that I'm possibly going to keep having cysts unless I remove the whole ovary, but at least we know they are NOT cancerous. That's really all that matters to me at this point.

Recovery

As before, I have been lucky and have bounced back pretty quickly in terms of how I feel. My nurse was impressed when I wanted to move around the day of the surgery. An interesting thing that I did not expect is that my incision does not hurt. It doesn't burn or anything. I didn't have a problem standing upright right away whereas before I walked pretty hunched over for a day or two. My biggest pain has been inside my stomach itself. All of my organs feel like they were used at punching bags and I feel some slight pain where I can only assume my Fallopian tubes were cut. Other than all of the crazy water-retention, I'm feeling really good. I get so swollen everywhere from all the fluids they pumped into my for the surgery. I could only wear my slippers for the first three days. I've been wearing a post-partem wrap to help squeeze out fluid, make my uterus shrink like it should, and to "hold things in". I used one of these with my last pregnancy and I loved the stability it gave me.

Our first family walk!

I will be doing photos at two weeks post-partem so that I can document my body's reaction to my approach to round two's "baby weight loss". Last time, I ran A LOT and tracked my calories and feel that I got too skinny too quick, which may have contributed to my having to cease breast feeding at 4 months. This time I'll be mostly doing CrossFit to gain/maintain muscle with some running mixed in. Instead of focusing on calories for my food, I'm going to focus on quality and make sure that I'm eating enough. It should be a fun journey that I hope you'll follow with me. :) Until next time, I'll leave you with an adorable picture of my girls!

Pregnancy and a Cancer Scare

I've been wanting to write a post like this for quite a while, but life happens. First of all, I'm now 9 months pregnant.  Eek!  I'm not really sure where the time has gone, but yet it has seemed like a long, miserable journey as well.  I guess it depends on the day.  I am not one of those people who love being pregnant.  In fact, I'm quite the opposite.  I think with my first to term pregnancy I was just so happy that I was able to continue in a pregnancy that didn't end in a miscarriage like my first two.  Pregnancy problems run in my family so I was concerned and really tried to "enjoy" or more like, embrace, my pregnancy with Baby E.  I had horrible back and rib pain but was still able to remain active.  I ran until I was 33 weeks pregnant and did some light yoga and weight training up until the end.  This pregnancy went from embrace to endure.  I know that sounds terrible, but with this second time of making it past 12 weeks I became more aware of the things I don't like about pregnancy. I'm not going to get into all of that now because I don't want to seem like an ungrateful whiner, but I do need to delve into this pregnancy a little bit more.  You see, everything is different about this go-around.  And here's why...

The C Word
When I was pregnant with E, my doctor had made mention of a small cyst on one of my ovaries.  No big deal.  A lot of pregnant women get them and they eventually go away on their own.  Fast forward almost three years to the beginning of this pregnancy and the cyst was still there or a new one had formed.  Again, I didn't think much of it until the ultrasound tech explained that it was about the size of my fist and couldn't understand how I wasn't haven't weird symptoms from it.  I've been having weird stomach problems for the last few years but I just chalked that up to my gluten and lactose intolerance.  The next time I met with my doctor, he addressed the cyst issue.  He pulled out the ultrasounds to show me the grey matter that was scattered throughout and that a normal cyst would just be clear liquid.  He said he had no doubt in his mind that this was a form of tumor, but whether it was malignant or not, he couldn't tell.  He actually said, "I can't look at you in the eyes and tell you that you do not have ovarian cancer.'  As I became numb to his words, he listed my options for surgery and the short time window we had to perform it because of the growing baby inside.  He also said that we could wait until my scheduled C-section at the end of my pregnancy to remove it but I would have to know that if it was cancer, 6 months could be the difference between my life or death.  I left his office and walked downstairs to my husband's office and repeated to him what I just heard and showed him the ultrasound of my now-tumor.  There I was, 30 years old with a two year old and another baby on the way and the most amazing husband and life going so perfectly...

Next came the research.  Shockingly, I had a lot more symptoms of ovarian cancer than I had originally thought.  Did you know that ovarian cancer is one of the most deadly forms of cancer because there is no reason to have your ovaries checked unless you are having symptoms, which in most cases, is too late at that point? So yes, this was all very Debbie Downer and I would have moments when I was watching B and E play in the living room and would have to leave so they wouldn't see me crying because all I could think was, "He is the best dad.  If one of us has to go early, I'm glad it's me."  Which then leads to thinking of all the wonderful things in E's life that I could miss out on.  I wish that I could say that if I was told that I may or may not have cancer that I would be strong and not let it get me down, but it's really one of those things that you can't say how you'll react until it happens.  I had a lot of fear in those days.  We went back and forth between risking the pregnancy to remove the tumor then or risk everything else by removing it later.  Luckily, we were able to use a few connections and have my ultrasounds sent to main gynecological oncologist in the state of Idaho.  He had emailed my husband that afternoon and said he hadn't had a chance to look at my ultrasounds yet but most of the time in cases like this, they wait to remove the tumor at the time of delivery.  About an hour later, I get a phone call from this specialist who is supposed to be the best in the state and the second he starts talking to me, I get scared.  He asks me questions about my family's history with breast/cervical/ovarian cancers and why it wasn't removed after my C-section with Baby E.  He even tells me that there is one part of the grey area that if it isn't cancerous now, it very well could be soon.  Scary.  Very scary.  I asked him what I should do and he gave me the doctor answer of giving me the options when I cut him off and flat out said, "If I was your wife, what would you tell me to do?'  "Remove it now."  Two weeks later I was in a room getting prepped for surgery.

So why the negative attitude and certainty that the news I would get would not be good news?  Well, I have this thing with dreams.  I've always been a very vivid dreamer at night and I remember the craziest details and some of these weird dreams would come true.  For instance, several years ago I had a very disturbing dream about an ex-boyfriend out of the blue and the next day, I had an email from him talking about how unhappy he was with life.  One time I had a dream where I was staring at this shape that was made out of two different shades of white.  That was the whole dream.  A couple of weeks later I fell off of a ladder while painting the ceiling at my sister's house and it was that exact shape and the two different shades were where I had painted and not painted.  Weird, right?  So in high school I had a recurring dream.  Well, nightmare really.  Every time I had this dream, I would wake up crying and in a cold sweat.  This dream was that I was married to a tall, handsome, blondish, successful man that I never could see his face and I was in a hospital bed when the doctor comes in and tells me that I have ovarian cancer.  I didn't even know that ovarian cancer was a thing then, I just knew the dream terrified me to no end.  Obviously there is more to the dream but that was the gist.  12-15 years later and I was afraid that that dream was going to be a reality.  When you have such a powerful recurring nightmare like that, you don't just forget it when a doctor looks at you and says that you may have ovarian cancer.

Everything went well.  They did have to remove part of my ovary to avoid blood loss and they had to go ahead and put me under general anesthesia because I guess I started moving on the table.  They reopened my C-section scar and checked out both ovaries and flushed out my stomach so they could check out my lymph nodes as well to make sure there were no abnormalities.  The baby is fine.  They sent the tumor to the lab and the spot that they thought was cancer, wasn't.  In fact, my doctor told me it was a strange gelatinous thing that he had never seen before but the tests came back not cancer and that's all I really care about.  :)  Phew!

The photo on the left was before surgery and the one on the right was after. No wonder I started "showing" so early! It was just my tumor.

To learn more about ovarian cancer and what the symptoms are if you are baffled like me as to why ovaries are not things to be regularly screened like breasts and cervixes, go HERE.

Focus On What You Can Control

"Focus on what you can control."

That is my motto for the day and will be for the rest of this pregnancy and into post-partem recovery. You see, I've been a Debbie Downer the last couple of weeks and here is why.

Kicking Ass and Taking Names

Three weeks ago I was kind of rocking this whole maternity thing. I had just taken some time off from working out due to a sinus infection and then a vacation to visit the hubby's family. I was worried about my time off and what that would mean for my workouts, but I came back fighting. I performed in the 31 Heroes WOD to honor some fallen soldiers and did shockingly well for my current pregnant condition. The WOD includes running with a sandbag, rope climbs, and some thrusters (squatting and then pressing a barbell overhead). Everyone made me feel so good about how I did and I thought to myself, "It really isn't that hard to stay active during pregnancy." 

That weekend I was in a 10 mile bike race to bring awareness to SIDS and even hauled my two and a half year old on the back.

 It felt so good to be active and able to still do the things I love. I know what you're thinking...you're thinking, "Oh, she over did it and gets hurt." Well, I DID get hurt, but not from CrossFit or riding my bike. I got hurt from doing something that every mother in America does when they help their toddler get dressed. I was bending over her to get her legs into her pants and she grabbed my arms and decided to hang on them. I'm a little angry with myself because I know better to stand bent over like that with a rounded back without my core tight. I mean, that's the whole point of learning good deadlift form, right? Needless to say, I've been in excruciating pain that has involved many massages (not the feel-good kind either) and now a chiropractor and I'm just praying everyday that the pain in my SI joint gets better so I can return to working out.

Now back to the title of this post...

I've been so frustrated to not be active. I hate going to The Pack and just foam rolling or sitting on a lacrosse ball. But today when I was in the shower I looked over at my Goal Board on the wall and saw "Focus on what you can control." So this is my take away: I may not be able to go running like I desperately want to or pick up a barbell at this point and chances are that this may be the way it is for the next 9 weeks of my pregnancy. However, I CAN control some of my mobility. I can keep working on my hips, ankles, and shoulders as long as it doesn't hurt in the bad way. I CAN control what I eat. I've been really bad about my diet lately since everything I eat seems to give me heartburn. Veggies in general (with the exception of tomatoes and peppers) will not give me heartburn so now is the time to load up on them. As "over this pregnancy thing" as I am, I got this. I'm going to focus on what I can control and *try to be somewhat positive about the rest.

A Moment of Weakness...

I know I haven't written in a while and I have a hundred other things to share about, but this is so fresh in my head (and stomach) that I thought I would share.

Finding out that you have a gluten intolerance is really crappy. Having to live through that while pregnant is even worse. When I first found out I was pregnant, I let myself eat whatever I wanted because I was bloated and felt like crap anyway. I quickly learned that clearly is the wrong path to take, especially while pregnant because it can cause less nutrients to get to the baby because my stomach is in overdrive trying to figure out what to do with the gluten. Again for what seems like the thousandth time, I said "never knowingly again" to gluten. I do have the occasional times that I've been glutanized unknowingly that I can tell within a couple of days because of the way my skin breaks out and how I feel lethargic and yucky.

Today I was in one of those pinches where I was running late to get home and have dinner ready so I ordered out. I was good at this point. I ordered a cheeseburger without the bun and everything. The problem was when we got home and my two year old refused to eat a perfectly good, mouth watering, grilled cheese sandwich. This is my favorite food so automatically I start reasoning on why I should eat it. It started out with "I'll take one bite and then make a big deal about how good it is so E will want it. One bite will not kill me." Then it turned into "Well, I already had one bite and she's still not interested so why not eat half?" Within seconds the thing was gone. As much as I would love to say that it was delicious, I can't even remember what it tasted like because I gobbled it up so quick. So how do I feel now?

Well, within seconds I was overcome with guilt and regret to the point where, if I was alone, I would have cried. Within minutes I had a new sore on the roof of my mouth. This could be coincidence but a lot of food allergies show up as sores inside your mouth. An hour later I feel sick. Sick like I ate too much and want to throw up. Sick like I just gained 10 pounds and inches in bloat. Sick like I made a few second mistake that will result in the next two weeks of misery. My coming days will be filled with stomach problems that I don't think you need me to go into great detail about, my jawline and neck being filled with painful cystic zits that are not poppable (meaning no enjoyment out of even popping them) and will probably cause me to shut myself in my house for a day or two when it is at its peak.

So what can I do to ease these symptoms? I'm starting off by taking a relaxing bath to let go of the guilt and ease some of my stomach discomforts. I'm also drink a cup of hot ginger-lemon tea which has known effects to help digestion and tummy irritants. I'll probably drink quite a bit of this the next few days. I'll also drink lots of water in the coming days to help flush out toxins. Eating as clean as possible (little to no processed foods) is a must as my stomach will be in healing mode. I'll still go in and WOD tomorrow morning even though chances are I'll feel sick and lethargic, but exercising makes me feel good and makes my body feel good.

And most importantly, I'll try to forgive myself and move on. I'll read labels and not let this spiral out of control. It's a setback to feeling good, but I will come back from this moment of idiocy.

My First CrossFit Open

Six months in of doing CrossFit and the Opens came around. The Opens are the way to start off the competition to see just who makes it to the Games. They decide who goes to Regionals based on scores from the Opens. From Regionals, the best athletes go to the Games. Anyone can do the Opens. It doesn't matter if you're awesome or just started, for $20 anyone can sign up. The Opens consisted of five weekly workouts where they were announced on Thursday evening and you had until Monday evening to submit scores. To keep people honest, you have to have a judge who has taken a specialty course count your reps or submit a video tape. Now that you kind of understand the basics of the Opens, I'm going to share some of my experience in my first Opens ever.

1. The things I struggled with were the things I thought we're going to be a piece of cake. 14.1 had double unders (jumping rope where it passes twice under your feet before they hit the ground again). In the last four months, I have worked my butt off to get stupid double unders down and had gotten to a point when I could consistently pop out 20-25 in a row. Not super great, but a huge leap for me who couldn't seem to break out of the single digits for the first few months of CrossFit. And we don't even need to discuss the whip marks you get when you're pretty terrible at double unders. So when 14.1 came out and I saw double unders, I thought, "Yeah! That part will be easy. I can focus more on the power snatches." And wouldn't you know that I was able to do my power snatches unbroken (not letting go of the bar) until the very end but I couldn't get the double unders for the life of me! I was only able to string 5 or 6 together with maybe a random run of 15.

14.2 had chest to bars (C2B) that is like a pull up but you have to pull high enough that your chest hits the bar. This is another move that I really like and am usually pretty decent at for still being a newbie CrossFitter. Whereas I had been able to put 5 C2Bs together before taking a break, I was only able to do 2 or 3 in the beginning and by the end I was only doing one at a time.

14.3 contained my very favorite move when it comes to CrossFit--box jumps. I'm a jumper. I was a volleyball player through college and the only reason I made it through on my height of 5'7 was jumping. I've been doing box jumps in the WODs (workout of the day) on 24" and 30" boxes for the added challenge, so when box jumps came up in the Opens WOD and the women's height is only 20" I knew I would fly through them. When the first round of box jumps came, I got no-repped (they didn't count) SEVEN times! It turns out that I hadn't been fully extending at the top with straight knees this whole time! This really crushed me, but I figured it wasn't worth the questioning every rep I did so I did step ups which is totally fine, but a little blow to my ego on something I could do with my eyes closed. Just kidding--I would never try that with my eyes closed, but you get the point.

14.4 was a chipper which means a bunch of reps of several different moves. You just have to get in there and "chip" them away, one at a time. I like chippers! Especially ones that don't contain a lot of heavy lifting, the ones where it's all about getting through the elements as fast as you can. My chipper was screwed from the beginning. I had had a head cold that week and that morning when I woke up, I had the sneaking suspicion that it had turned into a sinus infection. I took a ton of meds, did saline rinses, steam showers, a steam tent with White Flower, and anything else I could think of. Low and behold, my head and dry mouth got the best of me. The chipper started out with rowing and I almost got off of my rower to get a drink of water because my mouth was so dry and my head was pounding/spinning. By the time I got to Toes to Bar (T2B) I knew that it was not going to be good. My hand tore, my head hurt. I had vowed to redo it on Monday when I felt better, but that didn't happen. I spent Monday morning in the doctor's office to be seen about my sinus infection.

The sinus infection kept me out of 14.5. 

Now that I'm done with the negative things, let's move on to the positive! :)

2. There is a magic in the air that allowed me to do the things I thought were impossible going in. It is no secret that have terrible mobility on pretty much all of the key areas you need for CrossFit lifts like hips, ankles, shoulders, wrists, etc. I am not a big fan of the Olympic lifts that make up CrossFit--not even a little bit. I really want to love them and I think they're beautiful to watch, but I really struggle with them. In 14.1 they had power snatches. It was a light enough weight that I knew I could do it, especially since it was a power snatch meaning that I didn't have to go into a full squat, I just had to stand up. Even if my form sucked I knew I could still do the weight. Before I started my coach gave me the advice of "once you touch the bar, you don't let go". Meaning don't drop the weight to take a break, try to do the ten reps unbroken. I did really well at that for the most part. Any time I do an Olympic lift, I'm pretty pleased with that.

14.2 had overhead squats in it AND it was the very first component. I was prepared for my first score of a zero. I had never been able to do an overhead squat before. One of my coaches told me in one of my first CrossFit classes that overhead squats bring out everyone's weaknesses and since my weakness is my mobility, it had made these impossible for me. I couldn't even do them with a PVC pipe! The night before the Open workout, one of the coaches helped me with form and with my weight lifting shoes, I was able to get one rep at the weight prescribed for 14.2. My goal going in was to get one rep. When the time came, I got ten of those overhead squats and I am BEYOND proud of that!

14.3 had deadlifts. This is the only lift that I feel like I'm okay at. My previous 1 rep max was 185 lbs. and that was the third weight in the ladder. I hurried through the first two sets because I knew I would need all of my time to focus on this weight that was my max. I ended up doing it 16 times!!!

Like I said before, CrossFit has a magic in it and even more so in a competition setting where you're not given the option to modify.

3. Getting cheered on by your family and your workout family is a high all in itself. Who doesn't do better when you have your loved ones yelling at you from the sidelines. There is power in the words "you are strong" and "just pick it up".

4. Cheering for other people and seeing them crush their goals is even better.

5. Having my daughter watching her mom be strong and fight through tough things is awesome. She even loves to do her own workouts at The Pack.

*thank you to Coach Becky for the beautiful pictures at some of the most not-beautiful times. :)